“Executive Coach Teaches Companies to Grow, Diversify”. Feature article in Pasadena Outlook.
“Executive Coach Teaches Companies to Grow, Diversify”. Feature article in Pasadena Outlook.
If someone had told me back in high school that one day I would be sharing my life experiences with business professionals, or a group of soon to be graduating high school seniors, I would have responded that that would be highly unlikely. In high school I didn’t think enough about the impact I could have on those around me or the world. This is a letter I am writing to you about the life lessons you will learn in the near future.
1. Understand the importance of knowing yourself and your personal values. Many are not given the opportunity to pursue their passions in life. Either we are told very early in life that we should have certain interests, certain friends, we should attend certain schools or universities, we should have an interest in a particular profession. You will be told, either overtly or implicitly, that your choices aren’t perhaps the best idea — that they are not the typical and known path. I am not eschewing listening to others. It is a wonderful thing to receive guidance and advice from family and friends. No one, however, will know you better than you know yourself! Hold fast to your values and let the knowledge of yourself guide your decisions.
2. Life is unpredictable. What I want to communicate is the fact that you will experience adversity, setbacks and even direct opposition. Do not be afraid of experiencing the realities of life. Wrestling through setbacks and opposition produces individuals who are able to cope with life when it doesn’t go as planned. Don’t complain or wallow in disappointment or self-pity when this happens, know that these seeming setbacks are shaping and building your character.
3. Ask yourself, what are you doing for others, and what impact are you having on those around you? Are you a force for good? Be authentic, caring deeply about people, while creating a climate where people are cared for, understood, supported and challenged. What you do matters and deeply affects others. Be intentional about your actions and words.
As I look back over my life, there are a few things I believe that have made me into the person I am today and define success for me. Knowing myself — separating who I am and who I want to be from what the world thinks I am and wants me to be — allowed me to define success on my own terms. Taking time to cultivate healthy relationships allowed me to have true friends, who supported me on the path toward success. Lastly, asking myself what I can do for others and what impact I had on those around me enabled me to help others reach success. Keep this in mind, “One cannot lead a life that is truly excellent without feeling that one belongs to something greater and more permanent than oneself.”
See you in the future!
Your future self
This post was adapted from David Llewelyn Samuels keynote address at Flintridge Prep Senior Horizons Retreat
I asked several people what immediately comes to mind when they hear the word diversity used in the context of an organization. As expected, most people do not have a favorable view of the word. The word carries significant baggage with a definite element of mistrust and hidden agendas. To begin a trust-based conversation on diversity, it would be helpful to ask deeper questions than those typically discussed.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde
I was recently asked to present a talk on the subjects of authentic living, and living a balanced life. As I typically do, I’ll look through articles and books I have read previously and also search for current articles on the same topics. I was quite surprised to find how seldom the word authenticity appeared in business and psychological literature. It appears that most of what we are reading is pushing us to do more, rather than be more. I have a sneaking suspicion that many of us are struggling to find balance. Or even more unfortunate, many of us are completely out of balance, having become almost entirely focused on doing, rather than being. So how do we regain our focus, and start on the journey to getting back to being authentic people who live balanced lives?
Becoming an authentic person really requires us to adopt a holistic view of ourselves. Authors Bob Rosen and Kathie RossIn have developed The Healthy Leader Model, which is an excellent framework for pursuing authentic living. As you can see from their model, there is so much more to us than we often acknowledge. We are so much kinder to ourselves and others when we look to develop ourselves holistically. As the business investor extraordinaire Warren Buffet says, “Investing in yourself is the best thing you can do”.
I remember the first time I heard someone say, ‘I need to be more productive.‘ The phrase may sound like a call to live responsibly, but subtly I think our performance based culture has robbed us of what it means to be authentically human. I know I’m not the first to make this observation; we are human beings, which means we cannot be defined only by what we do. It is far more important for our own well-being to find out who we are, not just what we do, and live our lives informed by that perspective. Easier said than done you say! The late Warren Bennis, University Professor and Distinguished Professor of Business Administration, University of Southern California says in his book, On Becoming A Leader, “If knowing yourself and being yourself were as easy to do as to talk about, there wouldn’t be nearly so many people walking around in borrowed postures, spouting secondhand ideas, trying desperately to fit in rather than to stand out.” My work with my clients is helping them identify what is most important to them, and to become more of who they are, so that they can make the maximum contribution in every area of their life.
According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the author of Flow – The Psychology of Optimal Experience, genuinely happy individuals are few and far between. He asks us to think about how many people we know who really enjoy what they do and are reasonably satisfied with their lot, who do not regret the past, and look to the future with confidence. Probably, not very many! In Simon Sinek’s TED-talk, Why Leaders Eat Last, I believe the following statement captures the heart of the problem for many of us business people; “In business we give bonuses to people who are willing to sacrifice others so they can survive.” This truly begs the question, how can we humans be happy if at the end of the day we are hurting others and ourselves? Put another way, why are we not doing more to help ourselves and others? Sound too touchy-feely? It should, and that’s because our bodies and brains have been designed to do things that make us feel good.
Our bodies contain certain chemicals which are there for the sole purpose of our survival and making us feel good. Again I fear, that many of the activities of our lives; work and relationships, are actually depleting and do not enhance our human experience. You probably have heard of some of these biological chemicals:
The reason for discussing these chemicals is to remind us that we are so much more than what we do, and so much more about who we are and how we are wired biologically and neurologically. I think we have to ask ourselves on a regular basis the important question, are the activities of work, family, and friends allowing us to experience those “happy-chemicals”?
Have you ever thought about the connection between working in a healthy environment and the impact it has on your psychological and physical health? According to a recent study by Stanford Graduate School of Business, workplace stress — such as long hours, job insecurity and lack of work-life balance, contributes to at least 120,000 deaths each year and accounts for up to $190 billion in health care costs! According to Jeffrey Pfeffer, Professor of Organizational Behavior at Stanford Graduate School of Business and one of the authors of the study, “When people like their lives, and that includes work life, they will do a better job of taking care of themselves. When they don’t like their lives, they don’t.” To paraphrase, when we don’t like our jobs, our lives and our health fall apart!
Recently I had the opportunity to have lunch with a former associate I’ll call Jim, and inquired as to how he felt he was doing in his career. Sadly, I heard what many of my colleagues and friends seem to be experiencing; their bosses are either unable to talk about development and growth opportunities, or worse, their bosses show no interest in their associates careers. Author and consultant Patrick Lencioni calls this “abdication management.” The most troubling part of Jim’s situation is that he is a millennial and has only been in the workplace for a few years, and has already grown cynical towards management. I encouraged Jim to talk with others about his interests and even do a little soul-searching, and begin defining his values, purpose, and goals in life. As I said earlier, if we find ourselves going through the motions (only doing), including “punching-the-clock” at work, we are not going to be effective in our jobs, and we will never feel those life-giving happy chemicals which are so fundamental to our human experience. We need to be in environments which support and allow us to be fully human.
My own journey to authenticity has not been easy. I can think of many occasions where people have misjudged my motives, questioned my actions, but this will always be the result of living a life where you are not thinking so much about what others think of you, but asking yourself, am I being honest and true with myself? It is in this place where our relationships with others move to a different level, and ultimately we begin to experience the kind of life that is centered on life-giving activities, rather than life-depleting activities. Just this week over lunch with a friend, we talked at about a tragic event in this person’s life — the anniversary falling on this Mothering Sunday. Our friendship could be seen as quite unlikely, because on paper we couldn’t be more different; different ethnicity, thirty-plus age difference, different nationalities. We have become close friends because of the intentional authenticity on both our parts. As we talked about this event, my friend was moved to tears and neither one of us felt any embarrassment, but rather experienced those feelings of empathy, love and connection. As Brendon Bouchard author of The Motivation Manifesto says so eloquently, “We learn that the more we are true to ourselves, the more we can connect and contribute to the world. We find that the more free and spontaneous and authentic we become, the more our motivation and aliveness returns and the more others are attracted to us and want to be around us. I’m reminded and encouraged to embrace the words of the musical artist Sting, “Be yourself no matter what they say.”
You may recall this saying from Yogi Berra, “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.” What I have found to be true for many of us, is that we may have goals and aspirations, but we often miss the opportunities to be intentional in many areas of our lives — especially in our professional and interpersonal relationships. When I use the word intentional, think of words like deliberate, calculated, conscious, purposeful, which are all words of action and purpose. I think what Yogi Berra is saying is, living a life without intention, is a life lived without purpose or direction. As an executive and life coach, one of my objectives is to help my clients articulate their goals, priorities, and the vision they have for their organization or their lives. This is where the power of intention becomes palpable and tangible. Until we begin writing down our goals and priorities, we are in ‘wish’ mode, (it’s a start); but once we can see these goals in black and white, or we can talk them through with another person, we have moved to the mindset of intentionality.
Here are some suggestions to get you started on the road to discovering the Power of Intention:
This installment on the Power of Intention reflects an analysis of any individual who has lived their lives as difference-makers. They have made a difference, perhaps changed the world, because they were people of intention.
“Being nice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re weak. You can be nice and strong at the same time. Thats a character trait we need more…” Shelley Moore Capito
It is truly unfortunate that many of our workplaces are not “nice” places to work. By nice, I simply mean, places where people treat others with the dignity, kindness, and respect deserving of all humans. What is even more unfortunate than the dearth of nice work places is the lacking expectation that our places of work can be “hubs of happiness”! And if you think that being nice is somehow Pollyanna thinking, being nice can change your brain! Did you know that doing nice things for others boosts your serotonin? Serotonin is the neurotransmitter that gives us the feeling of satisfaction and well-being.
I realize that readers from the four generations in the workplace; Traditionalists, Baby Boomers, Generation X, Generation Y or Millennials may respond very differently to what I’m about to say. Those of us from Generation X (born between 1965-1980) have been heavily influenced by a wide range of cultural and political shifts as well as technology, which has greatly affected our expectations at work. My generation, and the following Millennial Generation (born between 1981-2000) are particularly concerned with the work environment and work life balance. Baby Boomers (born between 1946-1964) and Traditionalists (born between 1900-1945), are typically less concerned with the environment due to their concerns with adult children, retirement and other concerns related to aging. That said, many executives who are primarily from Traditionalist and Baby Boomers generations recognize that the workforce is primarily comprised on Gen-X and Gen-Y.
I believe that if you and I want to work in a nice environment, then I must be the first to commit to being nice. We can only do this if and when we take steps towards self-development and personal reflection. As the greek philosopher Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates believed that the purpose of human life was personal and spiritual growth. We are unable to grow toward greater understanding of our true nature unless we take the time to examine and reflect upon our life. As another philosopher, Santayana, observed, “He who does not remember the past is condemned to repeat it.” I agree with Socrates in theory and in practice. My own personal decision to pursue my present career is a result of many years of reflection on who I am at my very core, and then making a conscious decision to change course, and focus on leadership development and organizational culture. It’s probably good for me to acknowledge that I am on a personal mission to change our expectations of what is possible in the workplace. If you can take Socrates’ advice, you can begin creating a new reality, starting with you, by being nice to others and yourself. As uncommon as it is, one realizes quickly that being “nice” is germane to and essential to human nature. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
There is a very tangible effect on the workplace when being nice (respect) is not a core operating value. A recent article states,“Study after study points to unhappy employees, leading lives of unproductivity, which hurts profits. Gallup recently estimated that symptons of employee unhappiness — high absenteeism, chronic turnover, quality control issues, lost productivity, cost companies an eye-popping $550 billion a year! So does it pay to be nice? Emphatically yes! The firms listed in the 100 Best Places To Work in America, have out-performed their industry peers in annual stock market growth by two to three percentage points. In the movie Horrible Bosses, one of the characters advises the new executive on the block that,“the key to success is taking sh#$ from everyone.”Sadly, I do believe this advice to be the implicit if not explicit belief of many. I however, take great exception to this kind of thinking and sincerely discourage anyone who currently believes this lie. The real key to success is learning how to build harmonious relationships, engaging in acts of kindness which are both centered on others and yourself. This final point is directed toward management, to whom I sincerely hope will allow your intellect, imagination and emotions to be engaged by my following comments. Our places of work were never intended to be run by “the antichrist,” as one boss was affectionately described. If you haven’t noticed, expectations of managers in the 21st century have changed from what you may see in television shows such as Madmen. Most recently Zappos eliminated the management layer all together! Managers are expected to be leaders and leaders genuinely care about their employees, and are concerned with their employees happiness. Research conducted at the University of Pennsylvania by psychologist Martin Seligman, found that there are five key areas that contribute to human happiness – Positive Emotion, Engagement, Positive Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment. It is commonly thought today that enlightened leaders are participative, encouraging and focused on their employees development. Leadership involves counseling or “people-development” skills. To see transformation in the managerial role from tyrant to teacher, managers need to be taught how to adopt approaches that will make them effective counselors.
In conclusion, we are all responsible for improving our work environment. I fear many of us have stopped caring, partly because we are continually disappointed by many in leadership positions. I am deeply empathetic to those who feel this way, however, I fully embrace Max De Pree, founder of Herman Millers’ challenge; “ In the end it is important to remember that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining who we are.”
The recent George Washington Bridge Scandal has many of us asking ourselves why elected officials and C-level executives continue to be embroiled in leadership snafu’s. Political consultant Steven Schmidt is quoted as saying that the path for mayors of the state of New Jersey is usually the express lane to the penitentiary! The Governors’ quickness to blame his aides and subsequently firing some of them, is not an act of responsible leadership. In the January 12, 2014 Los Angeles Times article, “Just New Jersey as usual?”, the very behaviors Gov. Chris Christie says are “embarrassing and humiliating” of his team members, are cited to be “quintessentially New Jersey”. So why is Gov. Christie expressing embarrassment? It is my opinion that this leader has fallen victim to what happens to leaders when we lose our way. As the great business philosopher Peter Drucker once stated, that for people in charge there is no such thing as power, only responsibility. The actions of Gov. Christies’ team are a clear violation of any kind of acting with responsibility toward those they are paid to serve.
As is becoming the norm rather than the exception, many leaders could avoid “crashing and burning” if they followed a few proven principles:
• Recognize that leadership power can be intoxicating. As Marty Rubin states, “If you can abuse your power you have too much”. Authentic leadership is nonhierarchical. Formal authority or a title doesn’t make you a leader. When leaders are unaware of how their team members behave to get the job done, it is a clear sign of neglect and or willful ignorance. Leaders must behave the way they wish their followers would behave. As one CEO stated, “…I think it is unnatural for you to be dishonest and your people to be honest.” An organizations culture begins at the top and trickles down through all of management. If your team members are engaged in “embarrassing and humiliating’ behaviors, one may conclude that their actions are a ‘shadow’ of their leader
• Self-awareness is an essential attribute and quality of effective leaders. Emotional awareness: recognizing ones emotions and their effects; Accurate Self-assessment: knowing ones strengths and limits; Self-confidence: a strong sense of ones self-worth and capabilities; are from Daniel Golemans’ Emotional Intelligence Competence Framework. It is unfortunate how many leaders throughout history have lacked that necessary self-awareness. Every leader is cursed with weaknesses and blind spots that can be overcome only with the help of others. The problem of self-awareness is further exacerbated for leaders when those who follow them fail to provide honest feedback and either live in fear or infatuation with them. Hans Christian Andersens’ The Emperors’ New Clothes is a classic tale of how a complete lack of self-awareness and obsession with oneself can lead one to engage in those self-destructive behaviors.
• Accountability for leaders in the 21st century is not optional. The temptation to do leadership alone tends to create problems which could be fended off if leaders surrounded themselves with other leaders, as well as mentors and coaches. It is very lonely at the top! Executives often have (or feel they have) no one capable and trusted enough to share their challenges, aspirations, and insecurities. When leaders recognize that they have a responsibility to their followers and those they are serving, “going it alone” is an unacceptable approach and is recipe for failure. Wise leaders have the confidence to act upon what they know and the humility to doubt their knowledge. This is where mentors come in – and mentees. Leaders need to recognize that they can learn from those they lead and from their peers.
The Bridgegate scandal shows us what can happen when leaders lose perspective, fail to understand their impact on others, and abdicate their responsibilities by being out of touch with their team members.